Roadblocks

There are some roadblocks to being recovered in Christ. These are my roadblocks or at least my top two - you might have different ones, either way roadblocks prevent us living as God wants us to in Christ. I may intellectually "know" what to do to remedy these roadblocks but knowing and actuality are two different things. I need a lot of grace when it comes to overcoming my "roadblocks" to living recovered in Christ.

Unbelief / self-pity
This is the biggest roadblock. I spend a lot of time living in unbelief. When I was a youth I had faith full of fire. I believed in God and in his ability to work in me. However, the deeper my addiction to porn rooted in me the less I believed God could rescue me. In a lot of ways, I have had enough prayers not answered that I am doubtful of God's willingness to operate in my life. I suppose that I've spent so much time trying to control my life that I blame God for the chaos I am in. The truth of the matter is that I doubt God and have a severe case of unbelief.

For me I ask questions like; "Why did God allow this?" "How can God love a wretch like me?" "Why can't I find peace?" Obviously the truth of who I am in Christ is right there for me to grab a hold of. I do want to, but I spend to much time feeling sorry for myself. As if I am sitting in a corner licking my wounds. Instead, I could bring my wounds to the light and find healing and grace.

I sure hope God's love is long suffering, because I am wrestling with this one big time. I hate having others self-pity and I am tired of feeling sorry for myself - but to actualize God's grace and love in my life is a real struggle for me.

Isolation:
This is another self imposed roadblock. It is easier to avoid people and wallow in your self misery than to reach out. For me I like to hide. Hiding makes it easier to put on a false front when you actually interact with people. Interacting with people is far and few between and superficial at best. When asked, "How are you?" it is easy to fake a smile and say, "fine."

There is something un-biblical about isolation. We are instructed in Scripture to live in an open community sharing our burdens and needs. I fail at this. I find it so much easier to isolate.

So these are my two road blocks. Maybe you have some of your own.

Michael

Recovered / Recovering

There is juxtaposition between being recovered and actively recovering. I don't think there is a dichotomy between the two, these are not mutually exclusive ideas. The simple fact is that we're recovered and recovering at the same time.

Being recovered means agreeing with God. To be honest I still act if I am not recovered as I should. It is so easy to slip into victim mode, but overcoming that is the process of recovering. So, what does recovered look like from God's point of view?

First God declares us something despite our actions; Read 1 Corinthians 6:9-11:

do you know that wicked do not be neither sexually immoral idolaters adulterers male prostitutes homosexual offenders nor thieves greedy drunkards slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of11And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.(1 Corinthians 6:9-11)

As far as God is concerned we are recovered - no longer are our sins remembered by God. God says,

"Once you were alienated from God and were enemies in your minds because of your evil behavior. But now he has reconciled you by Christ's physical body through death to present you holy in his sight, without blemish and free from accusation." (Colossians 1:21-22)

Further more God declares that, "You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly." (Romans 5:6) I could post several more examples, but the last one is the most powerful; God says, "Therefore there is now no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus." (Romans 8:1)
In Neil T. Anderson's The Steps to Freedom in Christ provides a list of what God's says about you. Here is an sample of who we are in Christ:

I am God's child (John 1:12); I am Christ's friend (John 15:5); I am free from condemnation (Romans 8:1-2); I cannot be seperated from the love of God (Romans 8:35-39).

The overall point is that God considers us recovered in Christ. In God's economy our sins are washed away. We're new creations in Chirst. There is now no need to brow beat ourselves because God has delt with our sins. All this beggs the question. . .

What about recovering?

I guess there is another question that must be answered. Do I believe it? Do I believe what God says about me?

Bipolar II

Bipolar II is marked by deep depression with mild mania (hypo-mania). Depression for me is typically expressed by strong irritability, anger, worry, agitation and anxiety. Here is a list of symptoms of depressions from the Depression Bipolar Support Alliance:

* Prolonged sadness or unexplained crying spells
* Significant changes in appetite and sleep patterns
* Irritability, anger, worry, agitation, anxiety
* Pessimism, indifference
* Loss of energy, persistent lethargy
* Feelings of guilt, worthlessness
* Inability to concentrate, indecisiveness
* Inability to take pleasure in former interests, social withdrawal
* Unexplained aches and pains
* Recurring thoughts of death or suicide

I have exhibited all these symptoms including suicidal thoughts. It is scary to think about being this depressed. It is even scarier to walk around feeling this way without full understanding what is going on inside of me.

I spent the better part of the last 10 years chasing my tail trying to deny these symptoms. The scary part is I took anti-depression drugs that triggered bipolar - meaning my mood swung upward. But depression is not the total picture. Bipolar II is the bigger picture.

According to the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance bipolar "differs significantly from clinical depression, although the symptoms for the depressive phase of the illness are similar. People who have bipolar disorder talk about experiencing mood shifts. These swings can be severe, ranging from extreme energy to deep despair. These mood shifts disrupt normal life activities distinguish bipolar mood episodes from ordinary mood changes. The shifts may be mild ranging from sadness to irritability or restlessness."

This really explains a lot of what I experience. The difference is that I do not go into a hypo-manic state on a regular basis. I tend to stay in the depressive state. It can be very scary the deeper the depression gets; especially when the anxiety kicks into high gear.

For me the mood swings consist of irritability and restlessness, but here is a list from the DBSA website:
Symptoms of mania - the "highs" of bipolar disorder
* Increased physical and mental activity and energy
* Heightened mood, exaggerated optimism and self-confidence
* Excessive irritability, aggressive behavior
* Decreased need for sleep without experiencing fatigue
* Grandiose delusions, inflated sense of self-importance
* Racing speech, racing thoughts, flight of ideas
* Impulsiveness, poor judgment, distractibility
* Reckless behavior
* In the most severe cases, delusions and hallucinations

Thank God that I have had medication for this otherwise I am sure I would have killed myself years ago.

My favorite video on Youtube

Before I put up my favorite video on Youtube, I wanted to throw this out. I want to take the Confessions on the road. I want to share my testimony with others. However, I have no idea how to do it or were to start. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Now to my favorite video on youtube. I like this video because it reminds us that Christ is King and defeats our enemies and overcomes our sins, addictions, habits and hang-ups.

Testimony Part II (a Brief Update)

My Testimony part II (a concise update)

Not sure where to begin where I left off on part one of my testimony. This by no means is exhaustive but just a brief overview of who, what when where how of these past few months. I guess a testimony would be something in flux and growing as time goes on and on. A lot has happened since I first wrote part I of my testimony - some good and some not so good. This current period of my life has been a period of testing and change - and not at all good. I haven't slipped back into pornography or anything like that - I just have been tested on so many fronts that it is sickening. I don't understand it and I don't like it.

The testing -
I had a nice job with CitiMortgage and I gave that up so that I could go to seminary. I though all was going to be a go and I'd complete my seminary education. This was not the case. I tried several avenues to raise money - in the end I had to drop because I couldn't afford tuition. On top of that my wife became pregnant with our fourth child. All this forced me back to work. Fortunately, CitiMortgage offered me a new position with a huge raise. I really thought that Wife and I were on our way to something special. I certainly could figure out why God initially opened the door for seminary and then closed that avenue.

All was fine with Citimortgage until our unit got called into a conference room and told that our jobs were being eliminated and that we were all laid off. Wonderful! Why in the world would God open new door with CitiMortgage and then slam that door shut. I just don't get it.

I thought I would get a new job just like that. That was not to be. I have yet to find a job - part time, full time, any thing would be better than nothing, but all doors have been shut thus far. Even the temp agencies don't have work. Times are tough I guess.

Bipolar II-
In this mix of testing I learned that I am bipolar. A lot of people who know me don't believe that I am bipolar, but looking at the symptoms it sure explains a lot; especially my compulsive nature. I believe that I have bipolar. When the Dr's diagnosed me with Bipolar II they stopped one powerful antidepressant I was on and started treating my bipolar. This medication switch affected me in an adverse way. I could barely keep awake and had terrible mood swings. After about two months or so I finally stopped falling asleep standing up and became accustomed to the new drugs. The new drugs have helped with the compulsiveness, anxiety, depression and the hypo-manic episodes.

I am bipolar II. Which means my life is marked by deep depression with brief hypo-manic states. I experience a lot of anxiety, moodiness, and agitation. Bipolar II doesn't experience the crazy manic episodes of Bipolar I. Bipolar II has been described as less than crazy - lots of anxiety, agitation, moodiness and aspects of my life/mood/character that are unmanageable. For me it has been credit cards, sex/porn, and some psycho-motor agitation. When I am in a hypo-manic state I find myself not wanting sleep as much - not necessarily tired, I might be more creative or wanting to write more. In a hypo-manic state I might feel better than others, have grandiose ideas about myself; however, I mostly feel a great deal of anxiety and agitation. These hypo-manic states last only a short period - typically about four days or so and then I slip into the depressive mood swing.

Redo-
I honestly feel that I need to go back and redo the 8 principles of Celebrate Recovery - as the first thee principle state: Principle 1, "Realize I’m not God. I admit that I am powerless to control my tendency to do the wrong thing and that my life is unmanageable." Principle 2 states: "Earnestly believe that God exists, that I matter to Him, and that He has the power to help me recover." Finally, principles three states: "Consciously choose to commit all my life and will to Christ’s care and control." Principle 3 is the big one and I honestly struggle with that. I need tangible proof God can provide. I don't see how I can turn my life over to the care and control of God. That is a scary step for me - one that I do not take lightly. I think I need to revisit Principle 3 - and commit my life to Christ's care for my life.

So there you have it - my brief up date.

Blessings -
Michael, A sublime disaster saved by Grace

**Safe Eyes**

Recently, I was asked what internet filtering software I'd recommend. While I am no expert on all the various internet filtering software available today I am an expert on Safe Eyes. There are a couple of features I really like about Safe Eyes. First, I haven't been able to get around the content filter and site blockers. This is huge - because today's tech savvy youth often finds ways around the content filter and site blockers. Second reason I really like this program is that it provides an internet activity report. I like this feature because I can set up which ever accountability partners to receive a report of my activity. Not fun to get an e-mail or a phone call saying, "Dude what are you doing." You can set up the filter to capture dating sites, porn sites, craigslist. You can customize what sites and content you want filtered.

If you're using Safe Eyes as an accountability tool I have a few recommendations. First, make sure that you are not the administrator of your account. I personally have an online acquaint from Georgia be my administrator. If you are the administrator of your Safe Eyes account it is so easy to fool with the program and hide your activity. Second, I recommend that your spouse be one of your accountability partners - this ensures openness about your activity on the internet.

Another powerful tool Safe Eyes provides is capturing chat conversations. This is a huge feature and one I highly recommend. For people who struggle with cyber-sex this is captures your text and your accountability partners can read what your conversations. Again, if your wife is one of the people getting a report of your internet activity and chat just might cause you to pause and think.

There are a lot more to Safe Eyes than what I have briefly mentioned. Find out for yourself at the Safe Eyes website.

A word of caution. Safe Eyes is a tool to help you have accountability - it is not the key to sobriety. Sobriety is hard fought, working through the hard stuff, confessing your hurts, habits and hang-ups. It takes rigorous honesty and a willing spirit and a lot of hard honest work.

Michael
A sublime disaster, saved by grace

Food for thought

This is a cool testimony. . . just some food for thought that porn isn't all that is it is cracked up to be.

Death***

Do not fear - I am not going to delete (i.e. kill) The Confessions of a Porn Addict. As a friend of my reminded me this is my ministry. While I am not as desperate as I was prior to seeking treatment and the help of CR; yet I am still on the road to recovery.

I began The Confessions as a flaming addict and in bondage to porn. Today, I am on a road to recovery and dealing with the more emotional issues and less the compulsive addictive nature of the Porn. Which brings up a paradox for me.

Paradoxically, I am recovering, yet I am fully recovered in Christ. There is a paradox that I just don't understand and not sure I can fully reconcile. On one hand we're recovering (renewing the mind), but on the other had we are fully recovered in Christ. If you have any insight to this paradox please share your thoughts. So let me say The Confessions ARE NOT DEAD. How I feel is expressed in the video on this page. I am a wayward son - and there is Grace for when I am done. . .

Blessings,

Michael

**Death**

Ok - I don't want to die this week; but I am thinking about killing The Confessions. Not sure what to do. . .