Making amends... "Principle 4. Openly examine and confess my faults to myself, to God, and to someone I trust." So she brought up my need to make amends with her. I've put her through hell and back in more ways than I've allowed myself to share with anyone. The porn/sex addiction, the lies, anger, bipolar, emotional roller coaster - take your pick and I've put my wife through it (oh and making her live with my parents for three years). Needless to say I feel pretty crappy about the things I've done. All of this has deplete her emotional bank. Some of those wounds are pretty fresh, even to this day.
When I worked through the 8 principles of Celebrate Recovery and the 12 steps I confessed my moral inventory to my sponsor, but never made actual amends to my wife or anyone else for that matter. In a strange childish way my moral inventory was more about me and my hurts than about admitting my moral failures.
Tonight she brought up me making amends to her. . . she told me she wasn't sure she'd accept the amends.
My wife is holding up a mirror in which I am getting a clear picture of how I really am - and I am ashamed to say the least - what I am seeing is an image of an emotionally immature, angry, full of crap person. I don't like that person and I am desperate to change (only by Christ power and rigors honesty).
This of course is doing wonders for my codependency. I want to control the universe, control my wife, control. . . control. . . control. . . control. . . just one more layer of the onion to give over to God. As they say - "Consciously choose to commit all my life and will to Christ’s care and control."



