Amends

Making amends... "Principle 4. Openly examine and confess my faults to myself, to God, and to someone I trust."

So she brought up my need to make amends with her. I've put her through hell and back in more ways than I've allowed myself to share with anyone. The porn/sex addiction, the lies, anger, bipolar, emotional roller coaster - take your pick and I've put my wife through it (oh and making her live with my parents for three years). Needless to say I feel pretty crappy about the things I've done. All of this has deplete her emotional bank. Some of those wounds are pretty fresh, even to this day.

When I worked through the 8 principles of Celebrate Recovery and the 12 steps I confessed my moral inventory to my sponsor, but never made actual amends to my wife or anyone else for that matter. In a strange childish way my moral inventory was more about me and my hurts than about admitting my moral failures.

Tonight she brought up me making amends to her. . . she told me she wasn't sure she'd accept the amends.

My wife is holding up a mirror in which I am getting a clear picture of how I really am - and I am ashamed to say the least - what I am seeing is an image of an emotionally immature, angry, full of crap person. I don't like that person and I am desperate to change (only by Christ power and rigors honesty).

This of course is doing wonders for my codependency. I want to control the universe, control my wife, control. . . control. . . control. . . control. . . just one more layer of the onion to give over to God. As they say - "Consciously choose to commit all my life and will to Christ’s care and control."

Anti-Faith

If I am a child of God then all this self loathing needs to go away.

Every time I hit a bump in the road doesn't mean I am a pile of trash, right!? Then why do I feel like a pile of trash?

Because, I am allowing Satan to have a foot hold in my life. I am not believing what God said about me. In reality I am having anti-faith, because I am denying the power of God in my life and how He views me. I need to run from anti-faith and trust God to empower me to believe the realities of being in Christ. What does the Bible say about being in Christ - well here is a partial list taken from Neil T. Anderson's the steps to Freedom in Christ. This list is renouncing the "lie that I am rejected, unloved or shameful. In Christ I am accepted. God says:

• I am God's child (John 1:12)
• I am Christ's Friend (John 15:5)
• I have been justified (Romans 5:1)
• I am united with the lord, and I am one spirit with Him (1 Corinthians 6:17)
• I have been bought with a price. I belong to God (1 Corinthians 6:19-20)
• I am a member of Christ's body (I Corinthians 12:27)
• I am a saint, a holy one (Ephesians 1:1)
• I have been adopted as God's child (Ephesians 1:5)
• I have direct access to God through the holy Spirit (Ephesians 2:18)
• I have been redeemed and forgiven of all my sins (Colossians 1:14)"
• I am complete in Christ (see Colossians 2:10)

As you can see I am something more - in Christ. It is this truth that allows me to denounce anti-faith and run to God who empowers me to have real faith. This is a gracious act of God. It is this empowering truth that allows me to "Consciously choose to commit all my life and will to Christ’s care and control" (Principle 3).

He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust." Ps 91:1-2

It reminds me just how amazing God can be. Despite my ranting and venting God is still good. I realize now how quickly I stumbled away from the two important principles:

Principle 2. Earnestly believe that God exists, that I matter to Him, and that He has the power to help me recover. Principle 3. Consciously choose to commit all my life and will to Christ’s care and control.

As soon as a little stress comes my way I try to control the universe. I pout and whine. Arrgg. Well at least God is faithful.

Principle 3. Consciously choose to commit all my life and will to Christ’s care and control.

For this to work God has to show up. period.

I just love this song.

The Commitment Principle

Principle 3. Consciously choose to commit all my life and will to Christ’s care and control.
Step 3. We made a decision to turn our lives and our wills over to the care of God.
Here is my confession - I prayed and consciously chose to commit my life and will to Christ's care and control. I wrote in my journal as I wrestled with this:

Ok God, I believe you exist but I don't see how I matter to you and that you have the power to help me recover.

This is an honest confession, but after wrestling with this issue I came to one conclusion - God's gotta show up. What other option do I have for serenity and sanity? So I continued my Confession:

So it is on the line God. If you want me to change do it. What else do I have to lose. My Sanity. . .Ok God I am going to trust you - show me your power.

That's it. If I am going to live a sane life, God's gonna show up.

That's it - I just crossed the line. I wasn't holding anything back from God. Nor was I mouthing the commitment to please others or to look spiritual. I simply crossed the line. I am willing to accept God's will as my purpose in life.

How do I feel now? I actually feel hope. Now I hope I can worship. It has been hard for me to worship in church this past year. I want to worship God with an open and sincere heart. It's hard to do that when you're trying to play God and control the universe. I know. . . the insanity of it.

I want to extend an offer that Christ extended to the Laodicea church. The best way to beat this addiction is to come clean. None of us can stop without breaking the silence - as Christ spoke to the church of Laodicea he says to us today:

You say, 'I am rich; I have acquired wealth and do not need a thing.' But you do not realize that you are wretched, pitiful, poor, blind and naked. I counsel you to buy from me gold refined in the fire, so you can become rich; and white clothes to wear, so you can cover your shameful nakedness; and salve to put on your eyes, so you can see. Those whom I love I rebuke and discipline. So be earnest, and repent. Rev. 3:17-19

No need to hide when God is near.

Michael

God and Me

All I have is God. Yet my greatest struggle is truly and honestly surrendering all to Christ. Not sure why? But tonight at Celebrate Recovery I heard an awesome testimony. In the end the gentleman surrendered himself to God - as a matter of process.

Well I am on to step 3. I have a confession to make that involves both Step 2 and Step 3 (Principles 2 & 3) I will make in my next posting.

More rantings as they come

Michael

I am I infected. . .

That is a question I am pondering. Is my being (mind, soul, heart) infected with junk, addiction, whatever. Ponder with me. . .?

Step by Step

As I revisit the 12 steps and the 8 principles I don't think I actually made the right choices. I don't think I actually came to a point that a higher power (Christ) could restore my sanity. I never really came to a point where I believed I mattered to God.

I've spent a lot of time spinning my wheels. You can only fake it for so long.

Thanks for reading my random thoughts.

Michael